Cobra Commander: Obedience Instructor
by Red Witch
Summary: Cobra Commander's latest attempt to handle the Baroness situation goes predictably awry.


**The disclaimer telling all of you that I own any GI Joe characters has flunked obedience school. The Baroness thinks she's a dog and is out of control. You can see what's coming can't you? **

**Cobra Commander Obedience Instructor**

"Destro! I need to have a word with you!" Zartan stormed up to Cobra's second in command in the hallway.

"Zartan, I have **two** words for you," Destro said. "Get stuffed."

"You need to do something about the Baroness! You remember? Your girlfriend who is acting more like a female dog than usual?" Zartan fumed.

"And **you** need to do something about that pack of wild animals you call Dreadnoks," Destro remarked.

"I'm serious Destro! I admit I had quite a good laugh at the Baroness' being turned into her namesake but now it's gone too far!" Zartan snapped. "Somehow she managed to get into my room and made a mess of it!"

"Really? Someone **I **am associated with destroyed some of **your** personal belongings?" Destro asked innocently. "How shocking."

"She tore up the room like she was looking for a dog treat or something!" Zartan yelled.

"Can't be any worse than the damage the Dreadnoks cause whenever they are looking for something," Destro folded his arms. "Usually alcohol and usually **my** room."

"You…You put her in my room didn't you?" Zartan pointed. "You put her in there on purpose!"

"Zartan I have no idea what you are talking about," Destro said simply. "However if the Baroness really did destroy your personal quarters I admit I find **that** amusing. Almost like karma…"

"Destro…" Zartan growled.

"How does it feel Zartan when someone trashes **your **personal space?" Destro glared at him. "Maybe in the future you will keep your Dreadnoks in check?"

"Why you stuck up…" Zartan fumed. "She chewed up my credit cards and checkbook!"

"Weren't they stolen and under false identities?" Destro asked.

"That's beside the point! The point is that bitch robbed me of my money!" Zartan snapped.

"And your animals have been robbing me of peace and quiet every chance they get!" Destro got in his face. "It's time you got a taste of your own medicine!"

"Don't you dare compare the Dreadnoks to that unstable lunatic!" Zartan snapped.

"You're right I shouldn't," Destro quipped. "Because unlike your Dreadnoks the Baroness is housebroken!"

"After what she did this morning in the cafeteria, Destro I wouldn't be too sure about that," Cobra Commander walked up to them.

"Commander! Destro let the Baroness loose in my quarters and she tore the place apart!" Zartan complained. "Everything is ruined!"

"Well Zartan now you know how we feel when you let the Dreadnoks off the leash," Cobra Commander responded.

"And knowing is called **payback!**" Destro agreed.

"Payback is a bitch and so is the Baroness," Cobra Commander said. "Which reminds me I need to have a word with you Destro. As much as I love the Baroness terrorizing the Dreadnoks she's starting to become a problem."

"**Starting** to become a problem? Where have you been all these years?" Zartan quipped. "Scratch that, where have you been this past **month?"**

"Since Dr. Venom is still recovering in the intensive care unit and can't restore the Baroness to her less bitchy self, I'm afraid I am going to have to take desperate measures in order to deal with the situation," Cobra Commander said.

"You're going to put her to sleep? Well done!" Zartan spoke up. "I volunteer to do the job!"

"We are **not** euthanizing the Baroness," Destro said.

"That's true. If I wanted her truly gone I would have whacked her years ago," Cobra Commander said. "Right after I blew up all the Dreadnoks and the rest of you."

"Oh so we're putting her in a kennel then?" Zartan asked.

"We are **not **putting the Baroness in a kennel," Destro glared at Zartan.

"Mostly because we can't afford it," Cobra Commander said.

"So what are you saying Commander?" Destro asked.

"I am going to do this afternoon, what you failed to do in the twenty something years of your relationship!" Cobra Commander snapped. "Train the Baroness!"

"**You** are going to train the Baroness?" Destro gave him a look. "By yourself?"

"That's what I said," Cobra Commander told him.

"I see. Commander how many fingers am I holding up?" Destro held up three fingers.

"Three? Why do you ask?" Cobra Commander asked.

"Because you are obviously intoxicated and I want to see how much damage has been done to your brain cells," Destro remarked.

"Before the Baroness does damage to your body," Zartan added.

"I am perfectly sober," Cobra Commander told them. "And serious. I am tired of all the insanity and will put a stop to it right now! I'm not the leader of Cobra for nothing!"

"I guess that means your paycheck is slightly more than ours," Zartan folded his arms. "Because we have been working for practically nothing for some time now!"

"Why didn't you get a qualified animal instructor at least?" Destro asked.

"For one thing, they're too expensive," Cobra Commander said. "And it's not like I could take her to obedience school!"

"Knowing the Baroness she'd flunk out for chasing the teacher," Zartan smiled. "That would have been an amusing scene, registering the Baroness as a dog."

"Yes a scene where someone would inevitably call the authorities and arrest us!" Destro pointed out. "But don't we have a few animal tamers here at Cobra? What about Raptor?"

"What **about **Raptor?" Cobra Commander asked. "The man is a lunatic. And his specialty is birds, not dogs! The only reason I keep him around now is because he's switched his specialty from training falcons to chickens!"

"Mostly because the chickens **ate **his falcons," Zartan smirked. "What about Croc Master? I know he trains crocodiles but at least he's used to the same kind of temperament the Baroness has."

"He won't work either," Destro waved. "The man makes Raptor look sane."

"You just described half the people who work here," Zartan remarked.

"Including your Dreadnoks," Destro glared at Zartan.

"Come with me and I will show you," Cobra Commander waved as he started to walk down the hallway.

"You know what's coming right?" Destro sighed as they followed Cobra Commander to another room.

"Oh yeah. It's like watching one of those old cartoons," Zartan said. "You know the coyote is going to fail to catch the road runner and fall of a cliff but you just can't stop watching."

"It's **how** the coyote falls off the cliff you don't know about," Destro agreed.

They entered a room with nothing in it but a few balls, hoops and other training apparatus. The Baroness was chewing on a bone on the floor. She was wearing a large black collar on her neck. "Now gentlemen, witness as I tame the Baroness and train her to do my bidding!" Cobra Commander said.

"Cobra Commander, you could barely handle the Baroness when she was capable of rational thought!" Zartan pointed out. "What makes you so sure that you can handle her **now?"**

"Well for starters I put a shock collar on her," Cobra Commander pointed out.

"I think Destro tried that once in the bedroom," Zartan quipped. "Didn't work then. Oh wait; **he** was the one wearing the collar!"

"Very droll," Destro glared at Zartan.

"I thought so. But you do get my point right?" Zartan asked.

"Zartan I once had a pet giant lizard that I once trained to spit acid on my sisters," Cobra Commander remarked. "I think I can find a way to control the Baroness."

"I didn't know you had any sisters," Destro said.

"Not anymore," Cobra Commander said. "Thanks to my giant lizard that spat out acid."

"I definitely see a resemblance to slimy lizards in the Baroness's eyes," Zartan remarked.

"How are you going to accomplish this miracle?" Destro asked.

"First I shall start by teaching her the basic command of Stay," Cobra Commander said.

"As in 'Stay away from me?'" Zartan asked.

"It is a simple technique. First we place the Baroness in a room with no distractions," Cobra Commander pointed out the room. "And I have two kinds of treats. One a normal simple treat I will hold in my left hand. When the Baroness goes for the treat I will tell her to stay and pull it away."

"Sure, deny something the Baroness wants," Zartan scoffed. "Good luck with that."

"Then using patience and repetition when she finally obeys the command, I will reward her with an even better treat," Cobra Commander showed them from his pocket. "A bacon flavored treat. This will teach her that by obeying the command she will get an even greater treat than the one offered."

"Where did you learn this technique?" Zartan asked. "The Nintendogs website?"

"No, just on the Internet!" Cobra Commander glared at him. "On several well-known dog training sites!"

"I see…" Destro said cautiously. "When does the shock collar come in?"

"When she lunges for the treat and doesn't hear me," Cobra Commander said. "I'm not a complete idiot."

"That's good to know," Destro said. "What happened to patience and repetition?"

"What about them?" Cobra Commander asked as he pointed to his arm. "I will patently and repeatedly use the shock collar controls on this device on my arm to train her. Observe."

"Cue camera phone…" Zartan took out his phone.

"Baroness! Baroness! Stay! Stay! AAAAAAAH!" Cobra Commander screamed as the Baroness lunged at him and knocked him down. "NO! NO! BAD GIRL! BAD GIRL!"

"Now who could have seen **that** coming?" Destro asked sarcastically.

"This was pretty predictable," Zartan said. "I knew that shock collar wasn't going to be enough."

"To be fair he hasn't used it yet," Destro explained.

"AAAAAAHHH! HELP! SHE BROKE MY ARM! OH GOD THAT HURTS!" Cobra Commander screamed as the Baroness mauled her.

"Ah I see…" Destro watched. "She broke his arm so he **can't **use it to activate the shock collar. Rather clever if you think about it."

"**That's** how the coyote falls off the cliff," Zartan snickered. "Meep! Meep!"

"OW! OW! SHE'S MAULING ME TO GET TO GET ALL THE TREATS! OW! HELP! HELP!" Cobra Commander screamed. "GET ANIMAL CONTROL! GET A DOCTOR! GET ME **OUT **OF HERE! OWWWW!"

"I'm going to get a drink," Destro turned around. "Far away from this zoo as possible!"

"I'll catch up to you later," Zartan snickered as he kept filming the attack. "I'm thinking of putting this on Me Tube. Dog Woman Bites Snake Man."

CHOMP!

"AAAAAAIEEEE!" Cobra Commander screamed in a very high pitched voice.

"If this doesn't make the featured video of the week list I don't know what will!" Zartan laughed.


End file.
